My totally awesome Bachelor analysis - 2 days late

This is for you, Meliss! ...& all you friends who indulge in this my most guilty pleasure.
Even all you closet Bachelor fans - I know you're out there.
Reveal yourselves immediately. :)

Here we go...

 So Monday night's episode wore. me. out.
Am I the only one?
All those womanly emotions -aka -tears and drama - drained me! No WONDER Brad was losing his patience (and mind) by Rose Ceremony night!

A few profound thoughts for my girls (& some good advice for Mr. Womack):

Dear Ashley S - see ya!
Wait. What?!
I thought you were cute and deserved more of a chance but B-Rad set you up against your own best friend and then tossed you to the curb.
Brutal. 
(Um hi - was that the lamest match off for that date? Why not Ali and an Ashley or one of the unknowns like Marissa? ( is that even a girl?))

Whatever. That date was painful. & awkward. And did I mention awkward? I'm sorry, girl.

Dear Dentist Ashley - You are lucky he kept you. You really need to work to redeem yourself after last week's shenanigans. Yep, I am still holding a grudge. For the record, as of right now, I'm still not back on board with you, Dentist Ashley.  

 Dear Chantal... whaa whaa whaa! All my hopes for you just kind of washed down the drain. You're shooting herself in the foot, Sweetheart with all the tears and ridiculous focus on the Emily date! Can't you see that it's draining for Braddy Boy to have to constantly console all these crying woman one after the next? Apparently not.
"Don't cry, Baby".... Gag me.


Michelle Michelle Michelle....I'm really a nice person so I hate to talk bad about you - but when I come across a really... ahem - *exceptional* human being I somehow feel justified letting go of some of the nice factor. But no worries, I will make this as *nice* as possible. :)...

 I'm sorry to be the one to have to break this to you Sweets, but your empty one liners are extremely unimpressive.
Do you think them up on the spot?
Just wondered.
In all niceness you definitely rock a bikini girlfriend, there is no denying that.
 So that is a fabulous thing you have going for yourself.
Especially since according to a man's scorebook that accounts for 85% of most men's draw to a woman... er at least when you're on the Bachelor. (& let's be real - even in real life it's not that far off...) Remember Jake? Yah, Jake. I thought B-Rad was a little bit smarter than him. But after saying,
"I am only keeping girls around that I can genuinely picture as my wife"
and then calling the dreaded word, "Michelle" during the rose ceremony, he really threw us all off!
What a serious trickster! 
I mean, he really caused an uproar.
Apparently he isn't envisioning many conversations in his future marriage? Hmmm. Just goes to show the baffling power of a bikini...

Dear Brad, I still have faith in you.
In case you didn't catch the memo - don't pick Michelle!

Dear Shawntel! SO I didn't love you at first. Let's be honest, the fact that you're a mortician is a little freaky, but you're genuine and real and can be a knockout when you want to be. & Brad is  comfortable around you.
Congratulations! I really have come to like you and
I think you may have moved up to the final four last Monday night. I am not kidding!
Just between us though,  I wouldn't blame Brad if he's creeped out by the thought of having a girlfriend/wife who spends her days cutting open and draining blood from corpses.... 
but on a positive note, if it doesn't work out with you and Brad, I think that you and that Dracula girl, Madison, might have tremendous success with some highly attractive men from the Cullen family.
Remember them?

Dear Jackie and Britt...it's just not fair! He needs to take the time to get to know you! You seem true and genuine and I'm cheering you on to see what could develop there. Hang in there, cute girls!


Dear Emily...It was SO mean - what the producers did to you! Sending you on a Nascar date when that was the career of your dead fiance?  MEAN! But Em, listen. B-Rad really digs you and you have tons of potential with him so don't go sabotaging it, (darlin') or he's going to have to choose another highway. I'm tellin' ya, he's YOURS if ya don't go messin' it all up. (But really, I'm afraid you're gonna mess it all up...)

Good luck next week, ladies! Huge thanks for making January such an entertaining month!
It just wouldn't be the same without the quality television you provide.

Sincerely,
(the good) Michelle